Just wanna share the reply I posted on one of the forums I joined. I noticed that a lot of people go through this same problem so I'm devoting a page here so I don't have to repeat myself eveytime a similar case needs enlightenment.
Note, however, that the case originated from Philippines so I was actually conversing with my fellowmen. To date, western culture still shocks most of us, Pinoys. So, for those who live somewhere else in the world other than Asia, then, please understand. Thanks.
Girl got dumped by her boyfriend (bf). She thought the relationship was 'toxic' because the bf was in another relationship, so she tried to end it several times in the past but the bf always tried to win her back. Finally, the bf broke up with her and she's now so devastated.
My two cents:
Second of all, a warning: You might get offended by the way I am going to advise you coz I'll be very blunt but sincerely & brutally honest. I have been advised the same way in the past when a similar situation occurred, and honestly, a 'slap' is way more effective than an 'embrace' from friends and relatives who really want you to get on with your life.
That being said, here is my advice:
You said so yourself that the relationship was toxic. By toxic, I would take it to mean, poisonous or unhealthy. So, why are you not grateful that it finally ended? You should be jumping up and down with joy and gladness, right?
You also said that you tried to end it by breaking up with him several times, but this time, it was he who ended it. Question: When you were breaking up with him, were you sincere or you were just making pa-cute? Nothing wrong with that. I did that, too. Every woman does that. We challenge our boyfriends to a break up coz it feels so 'kilig' (exciting) when they try to woo us back. But we never meant it to happen. We just want to make 'pa cute'. So, when your boyfriend finally had it with you, he himself said, 'break na tayo' (it's over). If you really wanted to break up with him, it would not really matter who did the dumping. That's just ego being hurt. What would matter most is that the 'toxic' relationship ended.
When you said that the guy was in a relationship with someone else, did you mean he's married? Coz if he is, then that really presents a problem. But if he is just with another girlfriend, it would have not been wrong if he fell in love with you, as long as he rectified himself by being honest with his feelings and breaking up with the other girl. But what I can sense in your case was that the guy was married and since you knew it from the very start, you feel responsible in a way coz you still let the relationship grow. Let me tell you now, even though you were responsible, God will not condemn you for being such an idiot. We are all idiots when it comes to love. We just jump into it throwing all cautions to the wind. Idiotic. Hey, I didn't really mean calling you an idiot, it's just a usual way of referring to ourselves when we do stupid things. I was an idiot, too, when I fell in love w/ my first boyfriend. And when we broke up, I thought it was the end of the world for me. But looking back, I can now admit I was just being mellow dramatic. I just wanted the drama of it all. I just wanted the sympathy of my friends. I wasn't really in love in the truest sense of the word. I was in love with the notion of being in love. But soon after that heartache, I met my real love, my soulmate, so there you go. I bet a year from now, you will look back and find yourself amused by this. Keep a copy of this post so you will have a proof of how silly this has all been.
Another question I hope you will not get offended with: Did you have sex with him? You don't have to say it here or defend yourself. No judgments being passed here, at least not on my side. But my point is that, it will be VERY hard for you to move on if you have had intimate relationship with the guy. We, Filipino women are like that. Very conservative. Very timid and shy.
But let me just tell you that it is ok. Everything is in the past. Do not let your past dictate your future or even your present moment. Presently, like now, as in right now as you are reading this message, is anything wrong with you? YOu are reading this, right? So that means you still have your eyesight with you, and I'm guessing you are still breathing. I know this may sound corny but the truth of the matter is that everything is perfectly ok! List all the things that you are grateful for in this very moment. Do not think about the past or the next 5 minutes. Just concentrate on the NOW. If you are ok NOW, then you are ok. We've learned this from the book The Power of Now by Echart Tolle. It's very powerful. He said that the essence of time as we know it is just an illusion. There is no past or future, only the present moment or the NOW. God is with us NOW. As you breathe, feel His love and you will find inner peace, knowing that NOW is the only thing that matters.
Ok, now, what you do is be the smart girl that you are and STOP, I repeat, STOP with this drama! I'm sure you've cried yourself to death by now, so just STOP! Enough already. You'll make yourself uglier than the ugly duckling with puffy eyes and big eyebags.
The best thing for you to do now is to empower yourself. Be aware of the Law of Attraction. Bro. Bo has been preaching about this subject, although I have not heard him say aloud the words Law of Attraction. But the concept of the Law of Attraction is you attract what you think about most. So, if you're thinking, 'I hate my life' 'I'm sad' 'I was dumped', guess what? you will attract more of the same. Whatever you think about, you bring about.
1. Watch the movie "The Secret". You have internet. Go on Youtube and search for it. And as you watch, find other related videos to watch. Just a warning though, you should be 100% rooted to your faith coz it might shake you. And have an open mind, at least.
2. Watch "The Shift" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. Again, if you just search hard enough, you will find a link to the movie that you can download for free.
3. Read more about the Law of Attraction. It's not just positive thinking.
4. Read "The Power of Now" by Echart Tolle.
5. Join "The Thrillionaires". It's free to join that club. What you will learn there is you can make your own bucket list of dreams and that community will encourage you to realize those dreams sooner than you've expected. Simple dreams like learn to play piano, visit a new city, etc. You earn points that you can use towards more adventurous dreams like swim with sharks, etc.
6. Travel. If you have some savings, go travel and see the world. Kahit Hongkong lang, meron silang mga sale na flights and accomodation. Or Kahit ibang province lang. (Even if it's just in Hongkong where flights and accommodations are mostly on sale. Or even if just to another local province). That would be a start. Thing with us is that when we are confined to a community, office, school or wherever we are, our world revolves around, and is limited to, that space and the people in that space. What we need to do is get out of that space, and we'll find that there are other possibilities for us outside of our own little world.
7. Watch "Yes, Man" starring Jim Carrey.
8. Read Bro. Bo's books. Listen to all his talks. Watch Preacher in Blue Jeans.
9. Download a free copy of "Attract Money Now". Focus is on fnancial wealth but the steps are the same in having a great life.
10. Read "Zero Limits" by Joe Vitale. A really powerful book about us being 100% responsible for not just our life but the lives of those we come in contact with. I'll tell you that this is one tough cookie to swallow, but once you get it, you will find peace.
11. Go on Facebook. Friendster is ok but Facebook is better. While there, go join different networks in North America. Befriend people from all over the world. You will enrich your knowledge of different cultures and you will eventually enrich yourself. Get more international friends. Not just Filipino friends. You know how conservative we Filipinos are in the way we think and act, but it's also limiting in some way. Try getting feedbacks from people who have different cultural backgrounds.
I guess, what I'm trying to say here is that don't waste one more minute of your life with this ongoing drama. You alone can change and you know it. You have more power than you can ever imagine. You just have to take the first step and realize that you are God's precious one and that means you can tap the most powerful gift that He has given all of us: Our MIND. Create happy, wonderful thoughts in your mind, and you will have happy, wonderful life.
I know I said a lot. But if you were gonna take this in any way, "Take Me As I Am".
I have most of the links so you don't have to search. Send me a private email coz I don't wanna be jailed for vilolating copyrights laws.