I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, I Love You, Thank You

I admit. I was guilty.

The first time I missed my period, I knew I was pregnant. And already having 4 kids via C-section, the idea of yet another pregnancy scared the hell out of me.

I have always said I wanted 8 kids. It's true, I do ... if there is a way for my husband to carry the baby in his womb. It's the pregnancy that scares me. I don't think I could endure another one.

I could not help but have morbid thoughts about my 5th C-section: my uterus would erupt prematurely, I would bleed to death, my husband would be left behind to take care of our 4 young kids. My family would lose me!

Then the “A” word came to mind. What if?

And I got scared all over again. Morbid thoughts came to mind again, but this time on the evil procedure: something would go wrong, I would lose a lot of blood, I will die, my husband would be left behind to take care of our 4 young kids. My family would lose me!

In my mind, there was only one and the same outcome from 2 different scenarios.

And after seeing how my 9-week baby looked like on the ultrasound, I cursed myself for thinking that “A” was even an option. How could I ever? A pro-life advocate myself, I was ashamed by how badly I acted and behaved.

I then resolved to make it up to myself, my child and my family (especially my husband whom I believed got hurt the most). A child is always a blessing, whether the pregnancy was planned or not. I had to put my trust in God and go ahead with it … risks and all.

I gathered all the information I could dig on 5th C-section from the mighty internet: health forums, health sites, google, yahoo. But the best one was from my Ob-gyn. She stated matter-of-factly that this pregnancy, like all other pregnancies, carried risks and one just had to take all the necessary precautions. So, there was really nothing to worry about. And the best part was that I was not the only one in that situation. There had been others before me that delivered safely.

From then on, there was no holding back (except sharing the news to the world). I could already hear the remarks: “What?” “Again?” “Why were you not careful?” “Don’t you know it’s dangerous?” (And I could imagine the endless discussions that would go on and on behind our backs).

We’ve heard and experienced them all before when I had my 3rd and 4th children. And I refuse to allow it to happen again with this one.

Actually, I was just scared that they would echo all my fears, and I needed to be strong for my baby. So, we only shared our good news to those whom we know will rejoice. A few select people who would only say, and think, positive things about it.

The next few days went smoothly. Everybody in the family was excited to see the new baby, especially JM, our daughter. We have included him in our daily activities … playtime, story-telling and prayers. We have even planned the delivery to be in US, so my Mom could help out. We made him so much a part of our beautiful family.

A day after Valentine’s, we have decided to treat the kids to a trip to Mines View, Mansion and Wright Park. It was in Mines View that I first felt it … uneasiness, and the usual lower back ache. But this time, there was blood.

We rushed to the hospital and everything happened so quickly. The nurses and the ER doctor would not tell us anything except wait for my Ob-gyn. But the ultrasound was the ultimate shock of all: at first glance, everything seemed okay. Baby was still alive, healthy and moving normally. But he was already out of my uterus, and there was no way to put him back inside. It was devastating!

We wanted to save him but it was hopeless. Any minute the baby would be coming out and there was nothing I or anyone could do about it. And besides, I was already bleeding profusely so they needed to do what’s best and necessary.

I was put to sleep. When I woke up, it was over.

It was a boy. I was told that he was alive when he got out. But at 12 weeks, survival was impossible.

We named him Jonathan. He was brought to Mt. Province by my mother-in-law for proper burial.

We now have our own angel up in heaven. That knowledge helps to ease the pain somehow.

We would forever miss you. We love you, baby Jonathan!

"I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer". - Colette (http://www.wisdomquotes.com)


Deb said...

I am so sorry to hear this news. Bless your baby Jonathan, you and your family.

MommaD said...

We have had both the experience of unplanned blessings and of loss. May you know that you are not alone and that one day you will have the greatest joy of meeting him beyound!

Shelly said...

I am so, so, so sorry that you have gone through this. I am praying for you and your family during this difficult time.

Sweet Words said...

I'm sorry for your loss. My husband and I lost a baby at 9.5 weeks pregnant this past Sept. No matter how old your baby is, it's never and easy situation. Our daughter is now in heavan (no I didn't know the sex, obviously, but something told me that she was a girl). My prayers to you and your family!

Rae Ann said...

My heart is breaking for you. How brave you are to share this.

I'm following you from the MBC Under 100 Club. I'm looking forward to reading more!

JulieChats said...

I'm so sorry to read your story. You & your family are in my prayers.

I'm signing up to follow you from the Under 100 club @ MBC.

Erin Roseberry said...

Hugs. Prayers. Thank you for sharing your story.

I am following you and found you on the MBC Under 100 group.

Vanessa said...


I stopped by from the MBC under 100followers club.

I am sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family!


sarasophia said...

Poor darling. Sorry for your sadness and loss. But, you are right, you do have an angel in heaven.

Take what comfort you can in that.

<3 sarasophia

(Following from MBC---please follow back...