I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, I Love You, Thank You

I admit. I was guilty.

The first time I missed my period, I knew I was pregnant. And already having 4 kids via C-section, the idea of yet another pregnancy scared the hell out of me.

I have always said I wanted 8 kids. It's true, I do ... if there is a way for my husband to carry the baby in his womb. It's the pregnancy that scares me. I don't think I could endure another one.

I could not help but have morbid thoughts about my 5th C-section: my uterus would erupt prematurely, I would bleed to death, my husband would be left behind to take care of our 4 young kids. My family would lose me!

Then the “A” word came to mind. What if?

And I got scared all over again. Morbid thoughts came to mind again, but this time on the evil procedure: something would go wrong, I would lose a lot of blood, I will die, my husband would be left behind to take care of our 4 young kids. My family would lose me!

In my mind, there was only one and the same outcome from 2 different scenarios.

And after seeing how my 9-week baby looked like on the ultrasound, I cursed myself for thinking that “A” was even an option. How could I ever? A pro-life advocate myself, I was ashamed by how badly I acted and behaved.

I then resolved to make it up to myself, my child and my family (especially my husband whom I believed got hurt the most). A child is always a blessing, whether the pregnancy was planned or not. I had to put my trust in God and go ahead with it … risks and all.

I gathered all the information I could dig on 5th C-section from the mighty internet: health forums, health sites, google, yahoo. But the best one was from my Ob-gyn. She stated matter-of-factly that this pregnancy, like all other pregnancies, carried risks and one just had to take all the necessary precautions. So, there was really nothing to worry about. And the best part was that I was not the only one in that situation. There had been others before me that delivered safely.

From then on, there was no holding back (except sharing the news to the world). I could already hear the remarks: “What?” “Again?” “Why were you not careful?” “Don’t you know it’s dangerous?” (And I could imagine the endless discussions that would go on and on behind our backs).

We’ve heard and experienced them all before when I had my 3rd and 4th children. And I refuse to allow it to happen again with this one.

Actually, I was just scared that they would echo all my fears, and I needed to be strong for my baby. So, we only shared our good news to those whom we know will rejoice. A few select people who would only say, and think, positive things about it.

The next few days went smoothly. Everybody in the family was excited to see the new baby, especially JM, our daughter. We have included him in our daily activities … playtime, story-telling and prayers. We have even planned the delivery to be in US, so my Mom could help out. We made him so much a part of our beautiful family.

A day after Valentine’s, we have decided to treat the kids to a trip to Mines View, Mansion and Wright Park. It was in Mines View that I first felt it … uneasiness, and the usual lower back ache. But this time, there was blood.

We rushed to the hospital and everything happened so quickly. The nurses and the ER doctor would not tell us anything except wait for my Ob-gyn. But the ultrasound was the ultimate shock of all: at first glance, everything seemed okay. Baby was still alive, healthy and moving normally. But he was already out of my uterus, and there was no way to put him back inside. It was devastating!

We wanted to save him but it was hopeless. Any minute the baby would be coming out and there was nothing I or anyone could do about it. And besides, I was already bleeding profusely so they needed to do what’s best and necessary.

I was put to sleep. When I woke up, it was over.

It was a boy. I was told that he was alive when he got out. But at 12 weeks, survival was impossible.

We named him Jonathan. He was brought to Mt. Province by my mother-in-law for proper burial.

We now have our own angel up in heaven. That knowledge helps to ease the pain somehow.

We would forever miss you. We love you, baby Jonathan!

"I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer". - Colette (http://www.wisdomquotes.com)

My Prayer

So, this is how it feels to lose a child. You just feel too much sorrow that no amount of comforting would do.

You’d be surprised how much could happen in a day. One minute, you’re enjoying your time with your family ...

(Taken just a few minutes before the incident)

the next minute, you lose a child.

(After the procedure)

Mine was just through a miscarriage. And yet, the grief is indescribable. My heart goes out to all the parents who go through similar situations.

My prayer for today:

"Thank you Lord for the experience. Thank you for our baby Jonathan.

I am not going to feel guilty anymore because I believe what happened had to happen. I trust that in Your infinite wisdom and great love for us, You willed it to happen for reasons beyond our limited understanding, but only You know. For whatever it is, Lord God, we trust that it is for Your greater glory, and we totally surrender everything to You."

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." ~Kenji Miyazawa (http://www.quotegarden.com)

Our baby Jonathan

This blog is a day too late. It should have been a happy blog, but now it is full of grief and regret.

And all because I was so concerned of what the outside world had to say. The usual negative things that I have heard before about having another child (I have 4 already).

Instead of going ahead and proudly announcing to the whole world yet another blessing and addition to the family, I withheld and kept it to ourselves (our family) and to few people whom we know will rejoice in the announcement.

We were all very excited for his coming, especially our daughter, JM, who couldn’t wait for him to come out from my tummy. The kids have already incorporated him in their activities and goodnight prayers, thanking God for “baby”.

And now we lost him. Our baby Jonathan, our baby angel.

And what hurts the most was that he was very much alive and healthy, but he was already out of my uterus. If only there was a way to transfer him to another person’s uterus, I would have gladly given him.

I thought of my friend, Gel, who had always been wishing for a child.

A few minutes after “birth” and still under the effects of drugs, I woke up crying for my baby, and my husband, in his great love for me, doing his best to comfort me, gave me the impression that the baby was alive and was being taken cared of in the nursery. I kept muttering we should transfer the baby to my friend, Gel. And he comforted me all the while.

When I had recovered a bit, my husband told me the hard truth … our baby is gone.

And the grief begins.

"If tears could build a stairway, And memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven, And bring you home again." ~ Author Unknown (http://www.quotegarden.com)