I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me, I Love You, Thank You

I admit. I was guilty.

The first time I missed my period, I knew I was pregnant. And already having 4 kids via C-section, the idea of yet another pregnancy scared the hell out of me.

I have always said I wanted 8 kids. It's true, I do ... if there is a way for my husband to carry the baby in his womb. It's the pregnancy that scares me. I don't think I could endure another one.

I could not help but have morbid thoughts about my 5th C-section: my uterus would erupt prematurely, I would bleed to death, my husband would be left behind to take care of our 4 young kids. My family would lose me!

Then the “A” word came to mind. What if?

And I got scared all over again. Morbid thoughts came to mind again, but this time on the evil procedure: something would go wrong, I would lose a lot of blood, I will die, my husband would be left behind to take care of our 4 young kids. My family would lose me!

In my mind, there was only one and the same outcome from 2 different scenarios.

And after seeing how my 9-week baby looked like on the ultrasound, I cursed myself for thinking that “A” was even an option. How could I ever? A pro-life advocate myself, I was ashamed by how badly I acted and behaved.

I then resolved to make it up to myself, my child and my family (especially my husband whom I believed got hurt the most). A child is always a blessing, whether the pregnancy was planned or not. I had to put my trust in God and go ahead with it … risks and all.

I gathered all the information I could dig on 5th C-section from the mighty internet: health forums, health sites, google, yahoo. But the best one was from my Ob-gyn. She stated matter-of-factly that this pregnancy, like all other pregnancies, carried risks and one just had to take all the necessary precautions. So, there was really nothing to worry about. And the best part was that I was not the only one in that situation. There had been others before me that delivered safely.

From then on, there was no holding back (except sharing the news to the world). I could already hear the remarks: “What?” “Again?” “Why were you not careful?” “Don’t you know it’s dangerous?” (And I could imagine the endless discussions that would go on and on behind our backs).

We’ve heard and experienced them all before when I had my 3rd and 4th children. And I refuse to allow it to happen again with this one.

Actually, I was just scared that they would echo all my fears, and I needed to be strong for my baby. So, we only shared our good news to those whom we know will rejoice. A few select people who would only say, and think, positive things about it.

The next few days went smoothly. Everybody in the family was excited to see the new baby, especially JM, our daughter. We have included him in our daily activities … playtime, story-telling and prayers. We have even planned the delivery to be in US, so my Mom could help out. We made him so much a part of our beautiful family.

A day after Valentine’s, we have decided to treat the kids to a trip to Mines View, Mansion and Wright Park. It was in Mines View that I first felt it … uneasiness, and the usual lower back ache. But this time, there was blood.

We rushed to the hospital and everything happened so quickly. The nurses and the ER doctor would not tell us anything except wait for my Ob-gyn. But the ultrasound was the ultimate shock of all: at first glance, everything seemed okay. Baby was still alive, healthy and moving normally. But he was already out of my uterus, and there was no way to put him back inside. It was devastating!

We wanted to save him but it was hopeless. Any minute the baby would be coming out and there was nothing I or anyone could do about it. And besides, I was already bleeding profusely so they needed to do what’s best and necessary.

I was put to sleep. When I woke up, it was over.

It was a boy. I was told that he was alive when he got out. But at 12 weeks, survival was impossible.

We named him Jonathan. He was brought to Mt. Province by my mother-in-law for proper burial.

We now have our own angel up in heaven. That knowledge helps to ease the pain somehow.

We would forever miss you. We love you, baby Jonathan!

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"I love my past. I love my present. I'm not ashamed of what I've had, and I'm not sad because I have it no longer". - Colette (http://www.wisdomquotes.com)

My Prayer

So, this is how it feels to lose a child. You just feel too much sorrow that no amount of comforting would do.

You’d be surprised how much could happen in a day. One minute, you’re enjoying your time with your family ...

(Taken just a few minutes before the incident)

the next minute, you lose a child.

(After the procedure)

Mine was just through a miscarriage. And yet, the grief is indescribable. My heart goes out to all the parents who go through similar situations.

My prayer for today:

"Thank you Lord for the experience. Thank you for our baby Jonathan.

I am not going to feel guilty anymore because I believe what happened had to happen. I trust that in Your infinite wisdom and great love for us, You willed it to happen for reasons beyond our limited understanding, but only You know. For whatever it is, Lord God, we trust that it is for Your greater glory, and we totally surrender everything to You."

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"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." ~Kenji Miyazawa (http://www.quotegarden.com)

Our baby Jonathan

This blog is a day too late. It should have been a happy blog, but now it is full of grief and regret.

And all because I was so concerned of what the outside world had to say. The usual negative things that I have heard before about having another child (I have 4 already).

Instead of going ahead and proudly announcing to the whole world yet another blessing and addition to the family, I withheld and kept it to ourselves (our family) and to few people whom we know will rejoice in the announcement.

We were all very excited for his coming, especially our daughter, JM, who couldn’t wait for him to come out from my tummy. The kids have already incorporated him in their activities and goodnight prayers, thanking God for “baby”.

And now we lost him. Our baby Jonathan, our baby angel.

And what hurts the most was that he was very much alive and healthy, but he was already out of my uterus. If only there was a way to transfer him to another person’s uterus, I would have gladly given him.

I thought of my friend, Gel, who had always been wishing for a child.

A few minutes after “birth” and still under the effects of drugs, I woke up crying for my baby, and my husband, in his great love for me, doing his best to comfort me, gave me the impression that the baby was alive and was being taken cared of in the nursery. I kept muttering we should transfer the baby to my friend, Gel. And he comforted me all the while.

When I had recovered a bit, my husband told me the hard truth … our baby is gone.

And the grief begins.

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"If tears could build a stairway, And memories a lane, I'd walk right up to Heaven, And bring you home again." ~ Author Unknown (http://www.quotegarden.com)

To Quit or Not to Quit

It's home, but it doesn't feel like.

I started my career in teaching IELTS and ESL. We had a 2-day training where I did mainly observations on how classes were conducted and lessons presented. Although I do not have professional experience in teaching, I knew I could do it (especially after observing the teachers handle each class. I'm telling you, if they could do it, any of my friends can ... lol)

So, what gives me heavy feeling about the job? It's the environment. It's as cold as the ice glaciers in Alaska. (I'm actually freezing to the bones as I compose this blog on my Treo here in the lobby ... lol). Maybe because the old timers are not as accommodating and welcoming? Intimidated or threatened, perhaps? For whatever the cause, it just gives me a heavy feeling everytime.

One more demo and it's either a yes or no for me, they said. Should I quit before I get myself trapped in this horrible environment? I'll give myself 1 more day to discern.

I miss NY. I miss Canada. People from my workplace there were far more warm, friendly and professional .. and they're not even Pinoys! (rolling eyes)

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"If we cannot be clever, we can always be kind." ~Alfred Fripp (www.quotegarden.com)

I'm Outta Here!

(My letter to International Language School, Inc.)

To whom it may concern:

I have decided not to pursue my application with your institution.

First of all, the environment seemed as cold as ice. It gave such a heavy feeling the whole time I was there. Some of the teachers were not as welcoming and accommodating. There was a feeling of enmity and antipathy in the air. It would have mattered little to me. I was there to work and not to please them. Besides, I do not get intimidated as easily. As a Law graduate, I had proudly survived my share of barbs and scathing remarks from law school professors as well as from judges in civil courts when I did my practice. However, I do believe one can never be as effective in a workplace if she is not happy with the situation and the overall environment she is in. And I certainly believe that I would never be happy in your institution by the manner shown me during my initial training.

This resolve was even strengthened by the fact that one of your teachers extremely exaggerated the classroom incident where my opinion was solicited and I, in turn, asked if it was alright to give comment or even participate. Surely, it was ok to ask, right? Being new and not knowing all the protocols, I just wanted to be sure that what I was doing was admissible. I did not intend to be rude or arrogant. I was actually enjoying that particular class. I guess it had slipped my mind that I am now back in Philippines where most people are overly-sensitive and usually gives wrong meaning to some words or gestures.

And what's even worst was that the Headmaster sided with the teacher without getting the facts straight. Again, having a legal background, I am a strong upholder of justice. There are two sides to every story, and one should always be presumed innocent until proven guitly. But as was put quite bluntly, I seemed to have lost any chance of survival should I decide to go on because, and I quote: "we put values to our old teachers".

It's disappointing, but it leaves me no choice but to altogether 'stop fighting a losing battle', so to speak. I cannot be a part of something I do not believe in. Like I've mentioned during my interview with the Manager, I am very professional. I pursued my application knowing fully well that the job would not really meet my salary standards. I did not put great weight on its financial aspect. It was never about the money. Rather, it was more because I wanted to learn the ropes of, and see if I have a knack in, professional teaching, as well as to enrich myself with additional knowledge and skills so I can put the same to practical application. This aspiration is squashed by the fact that some people there needed a crash course on 'New Employee Welcome' or even on 'Smile is Free' program.

With all that being said, I do'nt harbour any remorse towards anybody. The whole experience actually made me realize how far more better I have become as a person.

So, I sincerely thank you for the opportunity. I also would like to acknowledge the teachers who have made the 'ordeal' bearable for me ... those who offered genuine smiles, help, encouragement and light conversations (you know who you are and God bless your kind hearts).

Baguio is a small place. There is a possibility that our paths will cross. Rest assured that I will sincerely offer a genuine smile (and might even extend my hand as a friendly gesture).

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"Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that. But the great ones make you feel that you, too, can become GREAT!" - Mark Twain

The Patriot

I’m amazed how my kids quickly pick up the Filipino language now that they’re enrolled here in the country (Don Bosco School, Baguio). I remember in Canada, well-meaning (and not-so-well-meaning) people were telling us to teach our kids to speak Filipino (and implying irresponsibility on our part as parents if we don’t).

Thing is, Pinoys oftentimes confuse use of Filipino language with Patriotism. Love of one’s country (patriotism) can be expressed in numerous ways. Speaking in Filipino is just one of these ways, but is certainly NOT the only way.

I say that English should be taught by every parent starting childhood, regardless of your stature in society (I know most rich families do, and perhaps that’s one reason they get ahead in life). English, and not Taglish, should be the medium of instruction in every school, public or private. There should be less Filipino subjects as well … Makabayan, Araling Panlipunan, Pilipino … What the heck? Can there just be one? Pilipino? After all, we speak the language most of our free time after school. We hear them on TV and radio. We converse with our friends and family using the Filipino language. I do believe our own language is actually overused.

I remember my own childhood days (I was born in the 70’s) when my favorite shows like Sesame Street, Looney Tunes, Voltes V, Daimos, Uncle Bob Lucky 7 Club, etc. were shown in English. We did not speak English in our family. In fact, the only other exposure we had in English was our time in school during classes, just about 5-6 hours a day. But I can tell you we understood what were being shown. And the fact that I knew and learned English well did not in any way affect my patriotism even when we lived in Canada. It actually gave us a better chance in adapting to Canadian culture.

Nowadays, most TV shows are either dubbed in Filipino or has a Filipino counterpart (like Batibot for Sesame Street, Tabing Ilog for Dawson’s Creek). I guess it all started when some no-good politicians in the past proposed a bill that Filipino language should be the medium of instruction, invoking nationalism and patriotism as their causes. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Like I said, Patriotism does not have anything to do with the knowledge or use of Filipino language. One may not know how to speak Filipino fluently but it does not necessarily mean he/she is not patriotic. Patriotism is love for, and devotion to, one’s country. Filipino language is just one symbol of our identity as a Filipino nation. .

Look at the result. A decline in English Proficiency among our people, even College graduates. Hence, outsourcing by North America to our country is limited. They mainly choose India, China and Russia. Philippines just come in fourth. My company, Bell Canada, the largest telecom company in Canada, has 3 Call Centers in India and zero (as in nada, nil, zip, NOTHING) here in the Philippines.

Whoa, wait … India, you say? Pinoys, wake up! I just mentioned India. Ooops, no offense meant to people from India (I have a lot of Indian friends). What I’m just saying is that if India can do it, why could not we? I mean, English has always been our second language since the Americans colonized us. Whatever happened to our knowledge and correct use of the language? We go back to those idiots who insisted that speaking Filipino is patriotism at its peak.

I have more to say on this subject but this can't be a novel-blog. So, to be continued.

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"Unless our conception of patriotism is progressive, it cannot hope to embody the real affection and the real interest of the nation." - Jane Addams (www.wisdomquotes.com)

ESL

I was recently hired by an international company to teach English online to professional Koreans. They have a branch here in Baguio and there’s an opportunity for me to work from home coz I have a high speed internet connection, and with most online and call center jobs, that’s all you need to have. I haven’t started yet, so I have no idea how to do it (it's a first for me which was what got me applying for the job coz I know it's a challenge). I started searching the net and I found out that English teaching jobs are abound, and Korean companies are even shouldering the travel and lodging expenses. However, the opportunities are mostly for citizens of USA, Canada, Australia, UK, New Zealand, Ireland and South Africa.

Whoah! Hang on a second! Why would the Korean government make it exclusive only to the aforementioned countries when I’m pretty sure, citizens of other countries like the Philippines, are also capable, if not more than capable, of teaching English as well?

In any case, I decided to give it a try and send out my Resume, you know, just for the sake of challenging the idea. I mentioned that although I am not a citizen of those countries, I can very well assure them that I speak and understand the English language. I also mentioned my own personal experience with Canadians and Americans who, although speak the language fluently, do not necesarily speak it properly. They are fluent because English is their first language, but they are not particularly exceptional when it comes to its correct usage, pronunciation, grammar and even spelling. In one of my job stints in Canada (for a Test Marking), we had a very simple English exam on usage, grammar and spelling, and not all Canadians who applied (we were 8) got in. The ones that got in had Master’s degrees to their credit. My point is that being citizens of these English-speaking countries do not necessarily make them masters of the English language.

Anyways, after 2 days, I got a reply from the company, and I quote: “The unfortunate reality of the ESL market is that the governments of most countries require that individuals applying for teaching visas are citizens of English speaking countries. These are defined as countries where English is the first language and they are limited to the following: Canada, America, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand and the UK. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with your proficiency in the English language but is simply the government regulation.”

Whew! I guess I can accept that logic. At least they're not saying that citizens of other countries are no better.

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"The English language is nobody's special property. It is the property of the imagination: it is the property of the language itself". ~Derek Walcott (http://www.quotegarden.com/)

Perfect Day!

Sun’s up. It’s a little after 12. Make breakfast for myself. Leave the work for someone else. People say, they say that it’s just a phase. They tell me to act my age. Well, I am.

Refrain:

On this perfect day, nothing’s standing in my way.  

On this perfect day, nothing can go wrong. 

It’s a perfect day. Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon.  

I could stay forever as I am on this perfect day.

Sun’s down a little after 10. I pick up all my friends in my Mercedes Benz. 

Wake up. Don’t tell me it’s just a dream coz when I’m heading off you hear me say 

“Now don’t you try to rain on my …”(perfect day) 

Nothing’s standing in my way. On this perfect day, nothing can go wrong. 

It’s a perfect day. Tomorrow’s gonna come too soon. 

I could stay forever as I am on this perfect day. 

I’m in the race but I’ve already won, and getting there can be half the fun. 

So don’t stop me till I’m good and done. Don’t you try to rain on my perfect day.

It’s a perfect day. It’s a perfect day, nothing’s gonna bring me down.  

I could stay forever as I am.

Worth The Wait

SM Baguio’s ‘The Great 3-day Sale’ started today (Fri-Sun). I thought if we go today (Friday), it wont be too crowded, coz most people would still be at work. Well, I was sooo wrong! It’s already a madhouse by 12nn. Makes me wonder if all these people here are also unemployed like me? lol. You’d never believe our country is in a crisis, what with all the mad shopping that’s taking place right here, right now .(Btw, I'm writing this while we’re having lunch here at Cordillera Cafe. Not because I love the food here – they're good but just not too many choices – but because they have FREE wifi, which is sooo neat!. They’re 1 of 2 establishments that offer wifi in the mall, the other 1 being Starbucks, but what the heck can you eat in Starbucks?).

But why shop during events like this? Just a few reasons I can think of:

1. Prices really drop. A week ago I was scouting for a new pair of jeans (it's been a while since I wore jeans, and when I finally decided to wear one, I found out I don’t have any coz I've given them all away.) They range from P2000-P4000. Today, I got 1 for only P750 (not a Levi's, though. Stupid me coz I passed up a Levi’s sale in NY where women’s jeans were on sale from only $50. tsk tsk.)

-Disney shoes were offered at 50% discount. And as our princess (JM) was with me, she just had to have 1 herself. Girls! (rolling eyes)

2. A whole lot of freebies. Pinoys are suckers for giveaways. Well, at least I am.

-Globe telecom teamed up w/ SM and was offering free SIM card for each P200 single receipt purchase from the dept store. Well, I didn’t know it till I already paid for my purchases. I could have gotten a lot more SIM cards if I didn't pay all at once. lol

-There’s pick-a-prize when you buy P50 worth of chocolates.

-There were too many BOGO items on the Perfumery, Cosmetics and Entertainment (on CDs/DVDs) sections.

-From Supermarket, we got samples of Downy and Purex.

-Each participating outlet in the mall were giving away their own freebies and stuff.

3. Double the points on your reward cards, additional discounts (and interest-free) when you use credit cards from participating financial institutions like BPI, BDO among others.

4. Great prizes to win in raffle draws.

- SM (mallwide) has a raffle draw for each, $500 single receipt purchase from any of the participating outlets, giving away panasonic refrigerators and washing machines.

- SM Dept Store is holding its own local raffle draw every 2 hours. They are giving away home theatres and other neat prizes.

5. It’s fun to watch, and mingle with, the crowd. People are full of glee and it just gives you a happy wonderful feeling that you’re right there at that very moment. No worries, no problems. (That would come after --- when the credit card bills arrive. lol)

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"Shopping is better than sex. If you're not satisfied after shopping you can make an exchange for something you really like." - Adrienne Gusoff (www.great-inspirational-quotes.com)

Therapy

Admit it or not, women in general find shopping therapeutical. And it does NOT have anything to do with one's financial standing. Regardless of how much $$ we have on our purse, our moods usually dictate when it's time for us, women, to hit the shops.

Thing is, the act of shopping itself gives us a kind of relief ... from stress, misery, or even just plain boredom. And if we're fortunate enough to get some really great finds, it gives us a deep sense of fulfillment... like we're ready to face another day, or conquer the world, or whatever!

Well, at least, that' s how I would personally describe shopping. Don't get me wrong. I'm no Paris Hilton or Tori Spelling (I wish I were, money-wise!). But I guess I'm not the only one who views shopping this way.

Thus, to stop myself from feeling so homesick that particular day, I had to focus on finding real bargains on shops along 5th Ave. Luckily for me, Banana Rep was offering 'additional 30% off to already reduced prices'. Wow! That's like going to an outlet store - but on 5th Ave!

As with every store that offers such huge savings, the real gems could be found in inconspicuous places (my expertise is based on years of bargain-hunting). I found two neat blouses on 2nd floor at the far end of the Ladies' Wear. They originally cost about $85 each (I know coz the s#$@*&^ cashier mistakenly took 30% off from the original price instead of the reduced price; I had to blatantly point it out coz I was sure I only had $40 in my bank account then ... lol).

But I got both blouses for only (hold your breath) .....

$22+!

Now, doesn't that beat Dr. Phil's therapy? (wink!)

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"Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping." - Bo Derek (www.saidwhat.co.uk)